Friday, July 15, 2005

Why the chicken crossed the road according to the Air Force

Ed. Note: This is something that was sent to me while I was in Iraq. I thought it was pretty funny, but I realize for non-military types, it may be hard to understand. I added some definitions for some terms in italics to help.


Colonel: Successful crossing, well planned and carried out in accordance with my directives.

Chief (senior NCO): About time that thing worked; hope the Colonel's finally happy.

NCO (non-commissioned officer): Changed two wings, a beak, and removed a bad egg, and the silly thing still can't fly!

2nd Lt.: Look at the pretty bird!

TOWER: The chicken was instructed to hold short of (stop before) the road. This road-Incursion incident was reported in a Hazardous Chicken Road Crossing Report (HCRCR). Please reemphasize that chickens are required to read back all 'hold short' instructions.

COMMAND POST: What chicken?

Air Education and Training Command (AETC): The purpose is to familiarize the chicken with road crossing procedures. Road crossing should be performed only between the hours of sunset and sunrise. Solo chickens must have at least 3 miles of visibility and a safety observer.

Air Force Special Operations Command (AFSOC): The chicken crossed at a 90-degree angle to avoid prolonged exposure to a line of communication.
To achieve maximum surprise, the chicken should perform this maneuver at night using NVGs (night vision goggles), preferably near a road bend in a valley.

Air Force Personnel Center (AFPC): Due to the needs of the Air Force, the chicken was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the road.
This will be a 3-year controlled tour and we promise to give the chicken a good deal assignment afterwards. Every chicken will be required to do one road crossing during its career, and this will not affect its opportunities for promotion.

Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA): Despite what you see on CNN, I can neither confirm nor deny any fowl performing acts of transit. Questions? Please see the SSO (site security officer).

Air Force Reserve Command (AFRC): If it didn't happen on a Saturday or Sunday, we missed it.

Pacific Air Force (PACAF): We don't have chickens yet, as they haven't been funded. The latest projection is for chickens in FY2004 (fiscal year 2004) at which time they will be WRM (war reserve material) assets assigned to ACC (Air Combat Command).

Air Force Materiel Command (AFMC): Recent changes in technology, coupled with today's multi-polar strategic environment, have created new challenges in the chicken's ability to cross the road. The chicken was also faced with significant challenges to create and develop core competencies required for this new environment. AFMC's Chicken Systems Program Office (CSPO), in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) CSPO helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes, and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program management framework.

The CSPO convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts, and retired chickens along with MITRE consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge and capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them synergism with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting enabling and creating an impact environment which was strategically based, mission-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified Mission Need Statement, and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. The Chicken Systems Program Office helped the chicken change to continue meeting its mission requirements.

C-130 CREW MEMBER: Just put the damn bird in the back and let's go.

C-17 CREW MEMBER: I ordered a #4 with turkey and ham, NOT Chicken!
Besides, where the hell are my condiments?! I ain't taking off 'til I get my ^&*(%$$ condiments!!!

AWACS CREW: Due to our being in a turn at that precise moment, we have no confirmation of any chickens in the area at that time. Our ACE (air combat element) advises that such an event is extremely unlikely, in any case.

FIGHTER JOCK: Look, dude, that was the frag (mission order), OK? I've flown my 1.0 (one hour) for the day and I ain't got time for any more questions!

F-117 PILOT: Wasn't that great! I snuck up on it at 2 feet AGL (above ground level) at 480 knots, illuminated its tail feathers with the laser designator, and 'goosed' it before it even knew I was there!

B-1 CREW: Missed the whole show: We had an IFE (in-flight emergency) so we couldn't get out to see it; you'll have to ask the SOF (special operations forces).

CHECKMATE (a Strategic Air Command staff group): The chicken used its unique ability to operate in 2 dimensions to bypass the less important strategic rings on this side of the road and strike directly into the heart of the enemy, destroying the will of the enemy to fight and ending the conflict on terms favorable to the chicken.

CONGRESS: The chicken appears to be an efficient substitute for F-22 fighters!


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