Thursday, November 18, 2004

Of toilets and political agendas

I'm up early this morning, and not just due to the new baby. I stayed awake to inform all my reader(s) of the most pressing issue facing the new Republican Congress: Low-flush toilets.

Our new house is the second in six years. Thanks to a law passed by Congress in 1994, our first house included the newfangled water-saving devices. They required 1.9 gallons per flush, and could be expected to clog about once per month. Still, as long as the Zoober (our second daughter) didn't use a whole roll of paper after she went potty, we could remove the blockage ourselves. Often time-consuming, but inevitably successful.

During the past six years the manufacturers have "improved" their design. Our new house includes low-flush toilets that only use 1.6 gallons per flush, almost 20% less than before! Such progress comes at a price, however: We have been in our house less than three weeks, but have enjoyed about nine or ten clogs during that time. To put it bluntly, the pieces of shit don't work.

The builder anticipated this state of affairs, and during our walk-through, we were given a paper explaining the benefits of low-flush toilets. The paper cheerily stated that "even though it may occasionally require more than one flush, it still saves thousands of gallons of water annually." It went on to imply that if it doesn't work, it's because the homeowner is such an ignorant cretin.

So there you have it. It doesn't matter that you have to waste your valuable time and energy making your toilet work as it is supposed to anyway. You're saving "precious natural resources", so you had better thank your Betters in Congress for condescending to give you the opportunity to unclog your toilet on a daily basis. And be happy about it, plebe.

This is a perfect example of the Shut-Up-and-Eat-Your-Peas liberalism embodied by politicians such as John Kerry. I could understand if the state of Utah required all new houses to include such wretched devices; we are in a desert, after all. But under this law, contractors in both dry Salt Lake City and wet Seattle have to install the same toilets. Federalism be damned.

Forget Social Security reform. Forget tax cuts. Forget nominating judges who truly understand the terms "state's rights" and "interstate commerce" and "judicial restraint". I'll know the tide in Washington has really changed when I can legally purchase and install a toilet in my home that uses 3 gallons per flush.


At 2:35 PM, Blogger Bigwig said...

Last I heard, there was a thriving black market in regular flush toilets that have been smuggled in from canada.

At 8:14 PM, Blogger The Great El-ahrairah said...

Not to be all Euro-snooty, but when I was living in Deutschland, plotting for my next invasion of France, my toilet where I lived had a two-flusher system. One flusher used "normal" amounts of water for when the local Gestapo were at your door and you needed to get rid of your "stash" really fast. The other flusher used less water for when you just need to get rid of a bottle of vodka. Of course, something like that would never fly here in the US since it would give people a choice and we can't have that now, n'est-ce pas?


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